How I Help as a Therapist (Without Telling You What to Do)

Any time a client asks me, “What should I do?” I have a little oh shit moment.

There’s a part of me that really wants to give them an answer—to offer a step-by-step list for [insert any problem here]. Then I remember: that’s not what I’m here for. That’s not the point of therapy.

There’s a misconception I see floating around sometimes that a therapist is supposed to tell you what to do, like some enlightened being with otherworldly wisdom who can illuminate the exact right answer for whoever walks in the room.

And frankly, that scares the shit out of me. I don’t want—nor do I think I should have—that kind of power or control. I’m just one human with an inherently biased worldview. I haven’t lived your life, experienced what you’ve experienced, or loved who you’ve loved. I may not share your values, your religion, your culture. Who am I to tell you how you should live your life?

I am not Yoda. [Image via Unsplash]

I understand if this is disappointing news. Hell, I want that from my own therapist sometimes. It can be easier to just do what someone tells you to do. It’s why I enjoy going to exercise classes—where, for one blissful hour, all I have to do is exactly what the coach tells me. No uncertainty, no deliberating, no big risk of getting it wrong—just doing.

That’s fine for lower-stakes decisions, like which exercises to do and in what order. But for the big stuff—the higher-stakes decisions in life—I’d be doing you a disservice if I told you what I think you should do. Giving advice might relieve some of your uncertainty in the short term (not to mention ease my own discomfort in the moment), but it would also undermine your autonomy.

What I can do is sit with you in the discomfort of that uncertainty, helping you increase your tolerance for it over time.

I can offer you a chance to be wholly seen and cared for, without having to worry about another person’s agenda.

I can be a mirror—to show you what I notice might be getting in your way, and to reflect the strengths and resources you didn’t know you had.

I can help you understand yourself so that you can make decisions that align with who you are, who you want to be, and the direction you want your life to go. I can help you clarify that direction.

I can offer skills and tools for addressing the barriers to getting where you want to go.

I can be there to hold onto hope and the belief that you’re capable—especially when you don’t quite have that trust in yourself yet.

In short, as a therapist, I can help hold the map, but you choose the destination.

As always, there are exceptions to this “rule,” and this can look a bit different in couples and relationship counseling—but that’s a topic for another post.

Until then - take good care,
Hilary, Owner & Therapist at Resonance Psychotherapy